Thursday, September 30, 2010

God sent me a friend request on Facebook!


Guess who I met online a little while ago? You won’t believe it. God sent me a friend request on Facebook. I thought it was a prank, but then accepted the invite out of curiosity and what ensued next was something that blew my mind away. Following is the transcript of my conversation with God. I had no choice but to share it with you folks.

Note: KD is Kartik Dayanand and God is God obviously.

KD: Hey God, are you for real? Looks like a joke to me. How do i believe you are not some fake account? There are too many fakes floating around these days.

God: Ok, i can prove it to you, ask me to do anything and i will make it happen.

KD: Sure, let’s see if you can turn off the light in my room, haha!

God: Hmmm! Ok

KD: OMG OMG OMG!!!!!!!!!!! You did it, you are real. I can’t believe this. Damn!

God: Haha!

KD: I should have asked for something better. Can you please also clear all my loans and get me that BMW that i always dreamt of as well?

God: Sorry buddy, i can’t help you with that, i just had to prove that i am real so i did it. Otherwise i don’t do anything for free.

KD: Whew! I still can’t believe that i am talking to God. Wow! I shall tweet this right now and let my twitter followers know about you.

God: Don’t do that yet, no one will believe you. First of all i am already having an identity crisis.

KD: What do you mean? How can you have an identity crisis?

God: Don’t you see the news these days? Everyone has been fighting over me.

KD: You mean the Ayodhya thingy?

God: Yes, that’s why i sent you a friend request and am chatting with you now.

KD: Hmm! Why me? What wrong did i do?

God: Nothing wrong, infact I just read your blog http://www.minduread.com recently and thought i would ask you to put in a nice word about me too.

KD: WOW! This can’t be true. You are kidding aren’t you?

God: No, i am serious; I mean it. Please write about me.

KD: What can i write about you that the world already doesn’t know?

God: Oh! That’s where all the problem lies.

KD: Am puzzled, how can being so popular be a problem for you?

God: Ok, let me put it in a simple way. Shall i proceed now?

KD: Ok, go on.

God: Since when do you know me? Or have you ever wondered since when did man realize that I existed?

KD: hmm! Good question. That means, i have no answer. Maybe since a few centuries?

God: But the earth came into existence millions of years ago and man also walked this earth for ages now.

KD: Puzzled, how the hell, sorry for my language. How the hell did you tell man that you existed? Wait a minute, there was no online chat facility then, did you appear in their dreams?

God: Yes exactly, people back then used to say they had a vision. It was my way of reaching people. Otherwise i was living a life of ignominy and no one gave me credit for the amazing world that i created, people had to know about me.

KD: So did you appear in everyone’s dreams/vision?

God: I tried doing that, but realised it took me too much effort to convince everyone. So i dropped the idea.

KD: Cool, so how did you popularise yourself then?

God: Well, i just developed a software programme.

KD: Software? C’mon this is a joke now. There were no computers back then.

God: Oh! Don’t forget, i created this world. I don’t need a computer to do that.

KD: So what was your software called? Windows to God or something like that, lol?

God: Stop making fun of me. I created a software that is till date the largest selling software ever, even that Bill Gates fellow and his windows pale in comparison to what i created.

KD: Oh! Hahah! Am curious now, what is your software called?

God: Religion!

KD: WTF!!!

God: Religion is a software that i created so that man could get to know about me.

KD: Wow! This is insane.

God: Unfortunately the system had a few bugs in it when i first created it. So i tried to upgrade and release a few more versions of the same. The one mistake i made was, i gave them all different names.

KD: Holy cow! I know what you are talking about. You mean the different religions are all nothing but different version of the same software, eventually all of them a means to publicize yourself?

God: Hey, not just for my publicity, but i thought its better man knew who created him. And also i wanted to make the world a better place to live in.

KD: Ya Ya, total show off mode.

God: Hey, i did that with a good purpose, but it turns out that the problems were not limited to the software i created but with my creation of man himself.

KD: I don’t get this. Can you please be more clear?

God: See, you guys have been too quick in adapting to new things in life, you guys were travelling in bullock carts till recently and now you fly in aeroplanes. Almost like software with upgrades on steroids.

KD: Yes, we did achieve a lot, we even landed on the moon. So where is the problem in that?

God: You guys have done everything else to make your life comfortable but when it comes to me you all are still relying on the old software that i created centuries ago. Religion is outdated now but no one seems to realise that.

KD: What? Religion is outdated? You mean you haven’t upgraded your software in centuries. Not our fault.

God: I have good reason for that, every time i tried doing that people were creating barriers between them. I finally managed to upgrade all software versions and all lead to me but people are so rigid and loyal to their own versions that i got fed up and gave up on developing that anymore.

KD: So what have you been doing all this while. Just watching the fun while people fight over your malfunctioning software?

God: No no, not atall, on the contrary i developed something else.

KD: What is it called? I haven’t heard of anything new from you.

God: I developed GOOGLE, FACEBOOK and TWITTER!!!

KD: Whaaaatttttttt!!!!!!! ROFL!!!!!! I thought it was the guys in Silicon Valley who developed them. And how is it a replacement for religion?

God: Oh! Don’t forget that all mankind is my creation too. I thought this is an easier way to reach me.

KD: But GOOGLE, FACEBOOK and TWITTER, you gotta be kidding, doesn’t make sense.

God: The purpose of me creating religion was a means to make man realise that he is a part of a community and that there is a force greater than him that binds him together with other men. I also wanted man to think of me when he didn’t find answers for things from people around him. What you call as a prayer.

KD: Okie, no wonder people say this, “if god can’t answer it then Google it.” Also Facebook and Twitter, the biggest social networks. Wah wah! What an idea sirjee. Find it too hard to believe though.

God: It’s my way of connecting you people back with each other and make this world a better place to share and live together erasing the memory of the outdated religion that i created earlier.

KD: Sounds like science fiction, will anyone believe me if i share this story?

God: Hmmm! Ya, sounds like fiction but this is the truth. And i want you to tell people in your network about it. You can say, this is my way of viral marketing. Do blog about my message, people might think you have gone mad, but still do it for me. I shall chat with a few others too. We all can change this world together and everyone can live happily ever after.

KD: Nice idea, shall give it a shot, and hey by the way, do you have any solution for the Ayodhya conflict?

God: Yes, PLANT A TREE at the disputed site.

KD: A tree? Why? Sounds so clichéd, the go green bit has been done to death now.

God: Shall explain in detail when we meet next time. Got to go now. Will see if i can convince few more bloggers to write about me.

KD: Why don’t you approach some media house?

God: Journalists these days are too busy chasing celebrities and TRP’s. You please post a good word about my new upgraded avatar on your blog.  

KD: I shall do for sure, you take care. Was nice talking to you. Catch you soon, bye bye :)

God: Bye :) Catch you soon. Happy blogging.

KD: Hey god, in case you are on twitter please Retweet my post and also share it on Facebook. I shall ask my friends to do so too. All the best. Take care, bye,bye.

KD: Are you still there? :)

KD: Ok, looks like you are gone.

KD: Bye! 

KD: Hey also follow me on twitter in case you have account there, my id is @KartikDayanand

KD: Ok, final bye now!